Parrish the thought

I love* it when agents pimp their players to the press: "No really, there's interest in my guy! Tell the fans! Spread the buzz!"

*may be sarcastic

But it's particularly amusing when an agent ties the future of his average player to the future of a superstar. Don't get me wrong: The way Vancouver sees its cap situation, it very well may not sign Mark Parrish until they know Mats Sundin wants no part of them. But the implication that Parrish is a "Plan B" for Sundin's "Plan A" is laughable hyperbole. (Granted, these are not the agent's direct words, but all agents are guilty of false innuendo until proven innocent.)

The way the NHL circle of illogic works, Brendan Shanahan's future is also tied to Sundin's. (In this latter instance, it's not the agent but rather Blues GM John Davidson who's taking advantage of a little free agent uncertainty to milk fan nostalgia).

Now, the Canucks need offense from somewhere, and they've found the pickings slim this summer, so they may indeed bid on Parrish. But not by preference. It's like when the Mrs. sends me to a big box home store with a $10 off coupon. By God, there's nothing there I need or want -- certainly not a nice copy of NHL 2K9 -- but I'm too cheap not to use the coupon for something. So I come home with a throwaway pillow for the dog. Sundin is that piece of electronics you can't buy here; Parrish is the dog pillow.

Disturbingly, the agent (or perhaps the reporter from a different *cough* "source") also implies the Islanders have "inquired" about Parrish. Using my AgentSpeak-to-Truth(TM) conversion table, "inquired" is the least significant of verbs in the agent's rumor-mongering arsenal. Where "pursuing" means a team has made an offer and "interested" means they've discussed general money and term, "inquired" means they've talked and asked, "Is he desperate enough to take the league minimum? We'll even send a taxi."

So, though it's against their youth movement and a laughable suggestion, I suppose the Islanders may have asked about Parrish, reasoning that he would be easy insurance if he came cheap (not impossible, considering he will still be paid handsomely by the Wild).

But it doesn't make sense for our youth movement to sign him to real dollars, and he won't sign for a paltry sum (not with the Canucks throwing money around), so it's not gonna happen.

Nor do I want it to. I liked Parrish, he did good things as an Islander, it was too bad he had to leave the first time. But we knew in 2007 that he wasn't going to be worth what he would get from his home-state Wild, and now the Wild know that, too, having bought him out.

Plus, seeing him as an underachieving Islander in the sunset of his career would only remind of bad things, like the Mad Mike asset mismanagement move that first brought him here. Not Parrish's fault that he was acquired with a stiff for two guys who got much, much better after they left the Island. But still. Until my therapist works me through these issues, I cannot welcome him back. Like the hilarious Gnarls Barkley relationship breakup video, it shouldn't work this way, but it does.

So I'm sorry, Mark. Good luck in Vancouver.